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Oct 30 2015

Why Every Parent Should Ditch the Sticker Chart

parent daughter

This past August I read a blog post entitled Six Things Parents Need for Back to School (That We Can’t Buy) by KJ Dell’Antonio. While homework routines, job charts, and other behavior-based tools made up the majority of her wish list, it was clear that Dell’Antonio desired more than just compliance from her kids.

She described wanting to help her children develop qualities like self-sufficiency and independence. And she ended her piece with a wistful longing for more time to just be with her kids – whether hanging out at home or watching the stars.  Be as in being with.

I want to take Dell’Antonio’s sentiment one step further and suggest that what we need most as parents is to shift from a behavioral focus to what researchers like Daniel Hughes and Jonathan Baylin refer to as a relational focus.

parent-toddler
A relational style of parenting means being curious about what our kids are thinking and feeling.

In their book Brain Based Parenting (2012), Hughes and Baylin define a relational focus to parenting as one in which we are primarily interested in understanding our kids  – how they feel and what they’re thinking.

Contrast this with a behavioral focus, in which parents pay more attention to what kids are doing. This usually results in doling out rewards and punishments or trying to craft age appropriate logical consequences. Rarely does it require wondering about the inner life of our children.

Why is this important? Why should we ditch the authority and comfort of reinforcements like sticker charts, which are, admittedly, highly effective at shaping the behavior of our children?

There are three reasons. A relational style of parenting focused on understanding and connecting with our kids fosters healthy brain development, instills intrinsic motivation, and supports the creation of an egalitarian society. In this post I’ll cover the first of these reasons – healthy brain development. Upcoming posts will cover the role of relational parenting in developing intrinsic motivation and fostering social equality.

1. Healthy Brain Development

The problem with the behavioral approach, argues Hughes and Baylin, is that it ignores the relational dynamic between parents and kids.  Think of this as a kind of dance between you and your child that involves facial expressions, tone of voice, body posture, and other non-verbal forms of communication.

For example, imagine that 9-year-old Sam comes home from school feeling tired and grumpy and pushes 4-year-old Anna when she runs up to greet him. A behaviorally oriented parent would naturally focus on the push and promptly deliver a consequence. This is precisely what our imaginary mom does – instructing Sam to apologize to his sister and, perhaps, take a time-out.

What is lost in a behavioral translation of that interaction is the look on mom’s face as she communicates the consequence.  She will likely furrow her brow, raise her voice, narrow her eyes and press her lips together – all unconsciously as she delivers her rational message.

Mom is trying to teach Sam to be a kind and respectful person.

Sam, however, is taking in mom’s angry face.

Neuroscience is showing that this relational dance has the potential to shape our children’s brains. Thanks, in large part, to a structure called the amygdala.

amygdalaThe amygdala, located deep in the temporal lobe of the brain, operates as our threat detection system, somewhat like a bodyguard.  It takes in information from our senses, as well as our heart and gut, and determines whether things are safe or whether to send us into fight, flight, or freeze mode (Hughes & Baylin, 2012).

The amygdala is particularly sensitive to facial expressions, including eye contact and changes around the eye (Hughes & Baylin, 2012). Friendly, welcoming faces, smiling eyes, and calm voices send the message to our amygdala that we are safe. Angry faces, raised voices, and narrowed or averted eyes (remember mom?) can signal threat, sending the message to attack, flee, or shut down (Hughes & Baylin, 2012).

In that heightened state of alert, the parts of our brain responsible for rational thinking, problem-solving, and relating to other people go offline.  When Sam sees mom’s angry face, he can’t hear the message in her words.  His amygdala will not let him.

Only when Sam feels safe again will he be able to process the meaning of what mom is saying.

Does this mean mom is not allowed to feel angry? Or that Sam should be allowed to become a little tyrant, pushing Anna around as his mood dictates?  Certainly not.

It does mean that mom will be more effective when she has calmed herself down (this could be as simple as counting to 10).  By regulating her own emotions, she’s also modeling how to appropriately manage stress.

parent-son
Kids “hear” the emotion on their parent’s face before they hear the meaning of their words.

On the flip side, if mom is angry or stressed a lot, Sam may have a hard time learning to regulate his emotions. Living in a chronically threatening environment can sensitize the amygdala to angry or fearful faces – resulting in quicker defensive reactions to people (Hughes & Baylin, 2012).

The bottom line is this – what we know about the brain supports a style of parenting focused on how we relate to our children, not just to what they do.

Look for Part 2 of this blog post next week, or sign up below to get notifications about this and other upcoming blogs as soon as they’re posted. Thanks for reading!

 

Dell’Antonio, KJ. (2015, August 13). Six Things Parents Need For Back to School (That We Can’t Buy) [Blog post]. Retrieved from http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/08/13/six-things-parents-need-for-back-to-school-that-we-cant-buy/

Hughes, D.A. & Baylin, J. (2012). Brain-based parenting: the neuroscience of caregiving for healthy attachment. W.W.Norton & Company, Inc.: New York, NY.

Written by Erin Olson · Categorized: Parenting, Uncategorized

Oct 22 2015

How to Have a Family Meeting That Will Change the World

meerkat family 6Solve hassles around chores and homework, teach your children problem-solving and respect, and improve family relationships all while saving the world? This is not hyperbole. At least not according to Jane Nelsen, psychologist, educator, author of Positive Discipline (and mother of seven), who writes:

It is still my dream to create peace in the world through peace in homes and classrooms.  When we treat children with dignity and respect, and teach them valuable life skills for good character, they will spread peace in the world. (Nelson, 2006, p.xxiii, emphasis added).

Positive Discipline is based on the work of psychologist Alfred Adler and psychiatrist and educator Rudolf Dreikurs.  Adler and Dreikurs believed all people, including children, want to feel that they belong and are special.  Children who “misbehave”, they argued, are simply trying to achieve these goals.

A misbehaving child, Dreikurs contended, is a discouraged child (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964).

Jane Nelsen adapted and expanded these ideas in her book Positive Discipline, and later created a parent education program by the same name with fellow educator Lynn Lott.

The focus of Positive Discipline is on developing mutual respect and problem solving in the family and creating relationships where everyone feels they both belong and are unique.  In this and future blog posts I’ll introduce some of the key tools and strategies described in the book and taught in Positive Discipline group classes.

Positive Discipline tools foster the development of children who can think for themselves, who can handle mistakes and adversity (are resilient), and who are intrinsically motivated.

The Positive Discipline family meeting is one such tool.  Its purpose is to foster responsibility and problem solving by working together to find solutions for everyday problems.  There’s also a focus on fun and gratitude – two positive emotions that are proving to have significant impacts on our physical health in addition to just feeling good.

So, here we go. Ten steps to a Positive Discipline family meeting, adapted from Jane Nelsen’s book Positive Discipline (2006) – and world peace, while you’re at it.

1. Meet every week, no exceptions – model commitmentmeerkat family

Choose a day and a time and commit to it.  Everyone will be there, as present as developmentally appropriate (i.e. toddlers will need to play and move around), and it will not be an addendum to dinner, doing homework, or driving to and from soccer practice. Turn the TV and the phones off. Make it something sacred.

2. Everyone has a job – everyone is important

Chairperson, secretary, timekeeper, snack distributor – even toddlers can be assigned a role and teens will already be watching the clock.

Be flexible with teens. Keep meetings short. Ask for their input and communicate your desire for their presence, but respect their need for independence and privacy.

The point is that everyone is needed, truly and genuinely.

3. Open with compliments or gratitude – model authenticity

Begin each meeting with everyone sharing one thing they’re thankful for or giving another person in the family a compliment. Nelsen recommends alternating back and forth between compliments one week and gratitude the following week. The key is to model being authentic, particularly if this is an unfamiliar practice for you or your kids. Avoid sarcasm and speak from the heart.

4. Go over the week’s agenda (e.g. chores, issues, meal planning) – model problem-solving

meerkat family 4During the week, keep a running agenda on a white board or piece of paper hung on the refrigerator. All family members can add concerns or issues as the week goes along. Some tasks, like meal planning, can be permanent items on the agenda.

Going over the agenda offers kids and parents an opportunity to voice concerns about chores and other family matters.  It’s not a time to blame or complain. Use problem-solving to come up with solutions that will work for everyone.  Ask your children for ideas and be genuinely open and curious about the solutions they come up with. Jane Nelsen (2006) recommends asking the following types of questions:

  • How can we solve this?
  • What can we do about this?
  • What’s worked for you/us in the past?
  • What would it look like if this problem were solved?
  • What’s one thing you/we can do differently?

5. Make decisions by consensus – model cooperationmeerkat family 3

Nelsen suggests that families make decisions by coming to a consensus, instead of using a majority vote. This facilitates a feeling of cooperation. If you can’t come to a mutually agreed on solution, table the issue until the next family meeting.

6. Problem-solving with a focus on solutions (not consequences) – model not needing to be “right”

I touched on this above, but it can’t be emphasized enough.  Problem-solving can be a struggle if people are feeling angry or hurt about something that happened during the week.  Try to model using “I” statements to express emotions that need to be communicated (e.g. “I feel really angry that you borrowed my shirt without asking”), but then allow the focus to be on solutions for the future. If someone is experiencing intense emotions, suggest coming back to the issue later, after they’ve had a chance to cool off.

An important idea in Positive Discipline is that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.  Model this attitude for your kids by sharing mistakes you made during the week.

7. End by doing something fun togethermeerkate family 5

Play Scrabble or Monopoly, go for a walk, make sundaes, or watch a movie. Give everyone a chance to choose.  Or, let chance decide – brainstorm a list of fun things to do, assign each a number, and roll a dice to determine the activity.

What You and Your Kids Learn from Family Meetings

Here is just a partial list, adapted from Jane Nelsen’s book Positive Discipline (Nelsen, 2006):

  • How to listen
  • Mutual respect
  • Cooperation
  • Problem-solving and creating solutions
  • Responsibility
  • Empathy
  • A sense of belonging and being needed
  • Feeling capable
  • The value of emotion regulation
  • That mistakes are opportunities for learning

meerkat on his own 4And How this Could Change the World

It may seem like a drop in the bucket, but our kids will soon be going out in the world creating waves of their own – how they have learned to communicate and relate will have profound impacts on how they love, how they learn, how they do their job, and how they parent their own children.

 

 

Dreikurs, R. & Soltz, V. (1964). Children: The Challenge.  Hawthorn Books: New York, NY.

Nelsen, J. (2006). Positive Discipline. Ballantine Books: New York, NY.

 

Written by Erin Olson · Categorized: Parenting, Uncategorized

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