Sep 04 2018

What Children Need

You may have guessed that I’m not referring to material items in the title – this post is not about providing food, shelter, or clothing for our kids. I’m not talking about love, either, although undoubtedly children need that as well. Most parents love their children deeply, even though they may be struggling to parent effectively.

What children need

In the parenting approach known as Positive Discipline, developed by psychologist and educator Jane Nelsen, and based on the work of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikers, all people need to feel both a sense of belonging and significance. They need to feel that they are part of a family, group, or community – that they belong – and that they have something special to contribute to the larger whole – that they are unique and significant.

In her book Positive Discipline, which updates Adler’s and Dreikur’s philosophy for a modern audience, Nelsen contends that, in addition to a sense of belonging and significance, children need:

Perceptions of capability
Personal power and autonomy
Social and life skills

Part of our role as parents is to create opportunities for our children to develop these skills and perceptions. Positive Discipline offers a variety of tools and strategies to help parents do just that.

When children don’t get what they need

When children don’t feel like they belong or are significant, they “misbehave” in order to attain those feelings. The nature of the “misbehavior” can be a reflection of what children have learned in their families. For example, a child who does not feel significant may learn that whining will eventually result in getting attention from mom or dad (negative attention is still attention).

Using rewards, punishment, shame, or blame to get rid of unwanted behavior does not address the underlying function of that behavior, and ultimately does not help our children feel capable or empowered. According to Nelsen, those approaches tend to create children who become rebellious, revengeful, sneaky, or people pleasers – in other words, who continue to use maladaptive strategies to attain a sense of belonging and significance.

What you can do

Addressing a child’s core needs – to feel a sense of belonging, significance, and capability – becomes the path to correcting “misbehavior.” Positive Discipline offers a myriad of ways to do this, using tools such as routine charts, family meetings, communication strategies.

Shifting our focus from the “misbehavior” to the underlying need for belonging and significance will result in more effective parenting. Recent studies indicate that children who feel they belong have a greater sense of meaning in their lives. And meaningfulness, it turns out, may be more important than the pursuit of happiness for a fulfilling life (check out Emily Esfahani Smith’s TED Talk There’s more to life than being happy).

Sign up below to receive upcoming blogs outlining specific Positive Discipline strategies, or check out the Positive Discipline website for more information about this approach.

Jan 28 2018

How to Build Resilience

What do you do when negative emotions show up? If you’re like many of us, your first impulse is to get rid of the bad feeling ASAP. Maybe you turn on the TV to distract yourself, or eat something for comfort. Some people try to change their mood directly by substituting positive thoughts, others use substances to mute the feeling. All of these methods can work in the short run, (which is why we keep using them), but how well do they work over the long haul?

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), there’s a name for this unwillingness to feel what you are feeling: “experiential avoidance.” Functionally, all the behaviors above are identical in that they are attempts to escape the discomfort of negative emotion. This would be a sensible strategy if it worked, but there is growing evidence to suggest that these maneuvers accomplish exactly the opposite. Rather than eliminate negative emotion they tend to amplify it.

In this blog post I am going to discuss a 3-step process for working with difficult emotions in a more effective way. Rather than trying to escape the emotion, this approach involves turning toward it with an attitude of curiosity and compassion.

1. Step Outside of Thought

The first step is to notice the thoughts swirling around you. The thoughts can be subtle and hard to detect. Sometimes they show up as images, other times as verbal statements in your head. See if you can catch these thoughts and put them into language.

You might start listing them off: “I am having the thought that _____.” Plug in whatever thought is hounding you. For example:

“I am having the thought that I am a failure”
“I am having the thought that things never work out for me”
“I am having the thought that others are looking down on me” etc…

I sometimes invite clients to write these thoughts down on notecards to get them out and in front of them in a visible form. A thought journal is another useful tool. Through the process of noticing and “externalizing” these thoughts, you are creating some separation between you and the thought. When we are tightly bound to a thought, we tend to take it for reality. In such moments we are seeing from the thought, rather than looking at it, and as a result, the thought permeates our experience of everything. When we recognize that we are caught in a thought, we can “snap out of the trance” and take a step back, observing the thinking process itself as it unfolds.

ACT therapists use the handy verbal technique above for distancing from thoughts (in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy this process of distancing is called defusion). Notice the difference between saying the following to yourself:

“I am a failure”
“I am having the thought ‘I am a failure’.”

Can you feel the difference between these two statements when you say them aloud?

Again, negative thoughts aren’t problematic per se – they can become a problem when we become entranced by them and take them for reality. So the first move is to step outside the thought in order to look at it and recognize it for what it is: one of the tens of thousands thoughts our mind generates on a daily basis.

2. Drop into the Body

The next step is to let go of the thoughts and bring your attention to the experience of the emotion unfolding in your body. Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron has written beautifully on how to do this. She talks about “dropping the story and finding the feeling.” The story is whatever your mind is telling you about the meaning of what just happened: “I will never succeed,” “I don’t deserve to be happy,” “This is how it always goes for me,” etc. As long as you remain hooked in this narrative, you aren’t directly experiencing the emotion itself. It may feel like there is a lot of emotion happening, but the replaying of the story is actually a way to avoid feeling the emotion. It appears that rumination and worry are actually attempts to escape the bodily discomfort of negative emotion. Escaping negative emotion seems like a sensible thing to do in the short run, but notice what your experience tells you about the effectiveness of this strategy over the long haul. There is an alternative move you can try: opening up to the emotion and leaning into it.

Emotion shows up in the body as sensations, feelings and urges. You can bring mindful awareness to your emotional experience by answering these three questions:

What am I feeling right now? See if you can find a word that really captures this particular feeling quality you are experiencing. People often find that scanning a list of feeling words is helpful. This process – of being curious about the specific feeling being experienced and trying to find just the right word to express it – is itself transformative. Notice if you can feel any shifting in the emotion as you do this, keeping in mind that the goal here is not to get rid of emotion but to come to know it as it really is.

What sensations am I experiencing in my body right now? Where are they located? What qualities do they have? For example, you may notice that you have an empty, sinking feeling in the center of your chest, or tight bunching of the neck and shoulders. Just stay with this sensation, registering its shape, texture, movement, etc.

What urges do I notice right now? Emotions come with bodily urges to do something. See if you can notice this urge as it arises…carefully observing the internal pull without having to physically act on it. You may notice an urge to run away, to say something spiteful, to throw an object against the wall. Allow yourself to be curious about the bodily feeling of the impulse, without having to physically perform it. You are strengthening new neural pathways in this moment; the old circuitry of reactivity is not being reinforced as you observe (rather than enact) the impulse.

Directing your attention in this way enables you to lean into the emotion and feel it, rather than wall it off. See if you can make space for the emotion and open up to it in a spirit of compassion and curiosity. You may notice that the emotion shifts and stirs within as it runs its natural course. You may also notice that this process does not feel as unbearable as it seemed like it would be when the emotion was being resisted.

For individuals dealing with more significant trauma, it is a good idea to do this work with a therapist who specializes in trauma-informed approaches. This enables you to be supported by a strong and caring therapeutic relationship as you engage in this process.

3. Connect with What’s Most Important to You

Now that you have stepped outside of your thoughts, and opened up to the emotion in the present moment, you are moving with, rather than against, your experience. In this moment of spaciousness and clarity you can freely choose the direction you will take your life through your very next action. It can be helpful in these moments to consider what is most important to you.

You might ask yourself:

What could I do right now to take a small step in the direction of being the kind of person I want to be?
What quality (e.g., kindness, creativity, compassion, assertiveness, etc.) do I want to embody in my next move?

You could also put it to yourself like this:

What is the overarching goal, the goal of goals in my life, that I can take a step toward in this moment? And what would that step look like?

This is where values clarification becomes helpful. Knowing what you want your life to be about provides much needed orientation in moments like this. For example, suppose you’ve been knocked back by feelings of fear or anger in your relationship. After the previous steps of disentangling from thoughts, dropping down into the body and really feeling the emotion as an energetic flow, you now ask yourself: what qualities do I want to embody in this relationship? What kind of relationship do I want to create through what I’m about to do? Suppose it’s important to you to be genuine and to create a relationship characterized by openness and authenticity. A step in that direction may be talking—openly and non-defensively—about what you are feeling with your partner. This is a deliberately chosen, values-based action, and it looks and feels very different from the kind of automatic, defensive behaviors we often engage in when hurt. It’s the kind of action that, step-by-step, over time, builds the kind of life we want to create. And this process begins by working skillfully and courageously with the upsetting thoughts and feelings that arise when life has us on our heels.

Mar 28 2016

Mirror Neurons and Mindful Parenting

When I was a teacher my face was my most powerful tool – despite the sticker charts displayed on the bulletin board (see my post about why I should have chucked those), despite the “prize box” pulled out weekly for students who had earned classroom “bucks” – despite any school wide incentive program designed to reward good behavior or gain compliance.

More accurately, it was my ability to regulate my emotions – and thereby control my facial expressions and tone of voice – that was one of my greatest assets in terms of connecting with at risk kids and helping them learn. Smiles, laughter, looks of empathy, attentive silences – these could often curtail the rudest comments and soothe unruly outbursts. Conversely, if I was feeling stressed, frustrated, angry, or otherwise dysregulated, I often had far more confrontational interactions with my students. No matter how hard I tried to hide my own emotions, they would inevitably show up on my face, in my tone of voice, and through my posture. Kids would pick up on this and feel defensive, even if the content of my words was neutral or positive.

Our ability to regulate our emotions – and, as a result, our facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language – has the same power with our own kids.

Mirror neurons play a major role in this phenomenon, and understanding how they work and how to harness their power can increase your ability to connect with your kids and parent more mindfully.

What Are Mirror Neurons?

Mirror neurons are a set of neurons in the brain that fire not only when you perform an action, but also when you observe someone performing an action. When we watch someone ride a bike, for example, the same mirror neurons fire in our brain as if we were riding a bike ourselves.

This occurs with facial expressions and tone of voice, as well. When we are confronted with someone who is angry – furrowed brow, tightened eyes – the mirror neurons associated with anger fire in us. This happens when we observe someone crying or laughing, as well. In a very literal sense, mirror neurons allow us to feel what others are feeling.

Mirror Neurons Foster Empathy

The existence of motor neurons in humans has been used to explain, in part, how we develop empathy – watching someone get hurt sets off the same neurons in our brain as if we were getting hurt.

Mirror neurons aren’t the only factor involved in human empathy (look for an upcoming blog post about the vagus nerve), but they are a good place to start when thinking about how we, as parents and educators, can facilitate and model this faculty for our kids.

Mirror Neurons Help us Attune to Our Children

Mirror neurons play an important role, then, in our ability to attune to our kids. If we are experiencing stress, negative emotions, or unresolved traumas from our own histories, these can play across our face and conflict with the message in our words. The brain picks up and registers the emotional signals on our face faster than it can process what we’re saying, so if our kids read emotions in our facial expressions that put them on alert it can lead them to respond to those facial expressions (and the emotions they’re conveying) rather than the content of our words.

If we are calm, however, we can help our kids regulate their own emotions, and we can ensure that we’re parenting from our values rather than simply reacting to a stressful situation. Here’s an explanation of what this kind of mindful parenting might look like:

7 Ways to Harness the Power of Mirror Neurons

The key to harnessing the power of your mirror neurons is to learn how to calm and soothe yourself when you are stressed or angry. Here are seven practices that will help you regulate your emotions and cultivate feelings that will help you attune to your kids.

1. Take time to experience emotions like gratitude, awe, and wonder, which have been linked to positive physical and emotional outcomes.

2. Increase your body awareness, particularly the muscles of your face. Check in with your body – what’s tense? Focus on your eyes and jaw. Practices that can help you do this include yoga, meditation, and progressive muscle relaxation. Recognize when you need to take a time out in order to relax.

3. Get a massage or a hug – find a way to incorporate more touch into your life. Touch, particularly from a loved one, releases oxytocin, a hormone responsible for lessening stress and cortisol and increasing trust and feelings of safety.
4. See with the eyes of a child.

5. Let go of unrealistic expectations to reduce your stress levels.

6. Be vulnerable.

7. Practice loving kindness meditation. Read why here.

Resources

Bernhardt, Boris C. & Singer, Tania. (2012). The Neural Basis of Empathy. The Annual Review of Neuroscience, 35, 1-23. Doi: 10.1146/annurev-neuro-062111-150536. http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/images/application_uploads/The_Neural_Basis_of_Empathy.pdf

Hughes, D.A. & Baylin, J. (2012). Brain-based parenting: the neuroscience of caregiving for healthy attachment. W.W.Norton & Company, Inc.: New York, NY.

Marsh, Jason. (2012). Do Mirror Neurons Give Us Empathy? Greater Good Science Center. Retrieved from http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/do_mirror_neurons_give_empathy.

Winerman, Lea. (2005). The mind’s mirror. American Psychological Association, 36(9). Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/oct05/mirror.aspx

Nov 19 2015

Why We Should Practice Relational Parenting

In my recent blog post “Why Every Parent Should Ditch the Sticker Chart” I talked about how switching from a behavioral focus to a relational focus as parents helps foster healthy brain development in our kids. There are two other important reasons for making this shift: intrinsic motivation and the creation of an egalitarian society.

Intrinsic motivation

A major problem with the behavioral focus, according to parent educator Jane Nelsen, is that it creates kids who operate from an external locus of control – who need consequences in order to follow rules or just do the right thing. How do kids learn to be responsible, she argues, when parents are doing all the work rewarding and punishing (Nelsen, 2006)?

Nelsen, who is the founder of the program Positive Discipline, says the way to foster intrinsic motivation is to involve kids in rule setting and decision-making. In order to do this, she argues, we need to focus on communication rather than coercion.

Take an issue like homework. Often, we decide when kids should complete their homework and then expend ridiculous amounts of energy trying to get them to do it with lectures, rewards, and other forms of control that lead to power struggles and fights.

Kids end up either doing (or not doing) their homework in order to please us, avoid a punishment, get a reward, or rebel– not because they intrinsically understand why doing homework is important (Nelsen, 2006).

They behave (or don’t) in response to an external locus of control – us! (Or the sticker chart hanging on the refrigerator.) This extrinsic motivational style tends to stick around as we get older, and can hinder our ability to engage in meaningful work and activities. Research shows that intrinsic motivation, on the other hand, is linked to increased self-esteem, creativity and overall well-being.

A relational alternative is to have a conversation with our kids. To ask questions like:

What’s your plan for getting homework done this quarter/semester/year?
How much time do you think you need each night?
Do you need breaks?
Why do you think it’s important to do homework?

Be genuinely curious and open to what your kids suggest. The key to this approach is to avoid lecturing or punishing when a rule is broken. Instead, ask questions like:

Why do you think this happened?
What can you do differently next time?
What ideas do you have about how to solve the problem?

In the short-term, they may end up with some late assignments or a few poor grades.

The long-term results of this relational approach, however, are kids who will do the right thing even when no one is looking. It doesn’t happen overnight and it requires us to let go of our need to control, but connecting with our kids now will help them learn to think for themselves in the future.

An egalitarian society

There is another faction of parents out there who would agree that we should get rid of sticker charts and other behavioral incentives. But their argument goes something like this – I remember when kids did what they were told without getting a reward. When an adult said to do something, kids would obey.

I’m going to come back to Jane Nelsen here, because she makes a compelling argument that changes in society have, indeed, led to changes in the way our children behave. But these changes have NOT been caused by the usual suspects – broken homes, single parents, or too much TV or video games (Nelsen, 2006).

Here’s what she says:

The first major change is that adults no longer give children an example or model of submissiveness and obedience. Adults forget that they no longer act the way they used to in the good old days…In those days there were many models of submission. Dad obeyed the boss (who was not interested in his opinions) so he wouldn’t lose his job. Minority groups accepted submissive roles at great loss to their personal dignity. Today all minority groups are actively claiming their rights to full equality and dignity. It is difficult to find anyone who is willing to accept an inferior, submissive role in life. Children are simply following the examples all around them. They also want to be treated with dignity and respect.” (Nelsen, 2006, p.4, emphasis added)

The authoritarian style of parenting that used to work is no longer effective because it often relied on shame and blame to get children to obey. Children, like everyone else in society, want to be treated with dignity and respect.

A second change, Nelsen suggests, is that children have fewer opportunities to learn responsibility and motivation because adults need them less.

Think back to rural communities when kids were critical to the success of the family farm or business. While we certainly don’t want our children to feel overburdened the way they may have in the past, many of us go too far in the other direction. By not asking kids to help out more with household chores or meal preparation, for example, we are eliminating opportunities for them to make a meaningful contribution to the family – to feel significant and needed.

A relational style of parenting gives us an opportunity to both treat kids with mutual respect and dignity and also help them feel genuinely needed.

When we involve our kids in problem-solving and decision-making we are fostering a society in which everyone is treated with dignity and respect, and we are providing our children with the feeling that they belong and have something valuable to contribute to this world.

Cop an attitude, ditch the sticker chart

I want to end by saying I know this is not an easy shift to make. We all arrive at parenthood with a set of ingrained beliefs and knee-jerk reactions to certain behaviors. What pushes our buttons as adults often has deep roots in our families of origin and the way our parents raised us. Couple that with messages from the media and pressure from society about how children should act, and you have a powerful force to reckon with.

Choosing to focus on how we relate to our children, rather than on these messages, requires courage and even a little attitude. Attitude to parent from our values and a long-term vision for our children rather than from social pressure or family expectations. So, I encourage you to cop an attitude, ditch the sticker chart, and take some time to just be with your kids.

Hughes, D.A. & Baylin, J. (2012). Brain-based parenting: the neuroscience of caregiving for healthy attachment. W.W.Norton & Company, Inc.: New York, NY.

Nelsen, J. (2006). Positive Discipline. Ballantine Books: New York, NY.

Nov 11 2015

Becoming Mindful of your Motivational Style

When you reflect on why you’ve done the things you’ve done over the past week, what patterns do you notice?

What percentage of your activity was motivated by “shoulds” or “musts,” and what percentage by values, interests, and desires?

This may be worth considering, as studies show that an increase in self-chosen—rather than imposed—activity is associated with enhancements in self-esteem, creativity, vitality, persistence, performance and overall well-being.

I’m going to share a model from the work of psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan that will help you become more aware of what’s driving your activity on a daily basis. One of their key insights is that the quality, not just quantity, of motivation matters.

What Motivates You?

Broadly speaking, motivation for a given task can be understood as one of three types:

Amotivation is the absence of motivation. In this state you’re either not doing the activity at all, or you’re just “going through the motions.”

Extrinsic motivation is motivation tied to outcome. The outcome can range from avoiding punishment (“I’m filing this paperwork so my boss doesn’t fire me”) to expressing your deepest convictions (“I’m volunteering in order to help others have more fulfilling lives”). As adults, most of the activities we’re involved with on a regular basis fall somewhere in this range, so we’ll unpack this part of the model in more detail below.

Finally, intrinsic motivation involves doing something because it is inherently rewarding. The prototypical example of intrinsic motivation is childhood play. To appreciate how the same activity can shift from intrinsic to extrinsic motivation as we age, consider the difference between dressing up for Halloween at age 5 versus age 25. At 5 we put on the costume because it’s fun to dress up. At 25, the fun is still there, but there are also factors like: “Do I look good in this?” “Will other people think it’s clever?” The activity has become increasingly extrinsic in its motivational focus.

Getting More Specific

Deci and Ryan recognized that not all forms of extrinsic motivation are equally “external.” Building on the model above, they describe four different types of extrinsic motivation ranging from the most externally controlled to the most self-determined.

External regulation is “carrots and sticks” motivation. When we’re engaging in an activity for externally regulated reasons, we’re concerned with getting rewards, avoiding punishment and complying with rules. To use the Halloween party example above, your behavior would be under external regulation if you wore a costume strictly to gain admission to the party or to avoid social punishment for failing to “play along.”

Introjected regulation is a lot like external regulation, except it’s internalized. Now we’re trying to appease the authority figure within our own mind. This is the realm of “shoulds” and “oughts.” When we’re acting from this place, our primary concern is with avoiding shame and guilt or gaining praise and admiration. We’re still acting on the basis of punishments and rewards, but now they are self-administered.

Unfortunately, this can become a central regulatory style for individuals experiencing social anxiety or who are otherwise shame-prone. When a socially phobic individual goes to a Halloween party, their motivational focus may center on “making sure I don’t wear a costume that is going to make me feel embarrassed.” You can see how this might stifle expressiveness and block the kinds of positive emotions that make activities like dressing up for Halloween worth doing in the first place.

With identified regulation we step over into more authentically self-authored behavior. Here we are doing something because it is consistent with a personal value we hold. In the case of the Halloween party, this could involve attending in order to support a friend who is nervous about going alone. We are motivated to attend in order to live in accordance with our personally-held value of being a “good friend.”

Finally, integrated regulation is the most internalized and self-determined form of extrinsic motivation. This occurs when a behavioral goal is completely assimilated to one’s self, and fully consistent with personal values. If a person is acting from this place, they feel like their action is an expression of who they authentically are. This is close to intrinsic motivation but not identical, as the activity is still done with an outcome in mind rather than strictly for its own sake.

In the case of the Halloween example, imagine an artist who decides to come up with a distinct costume for the Halloween party in order to create a “wow” experience for everyone attending. It becomes almost a form of performance art, consistent with the artist’s own core values of bringing wonder and emotional zest into the world.

Living More Authentically

As you move along this continuum from external control to self determination, can you feel the increase in vitality and life-engagement? For all of us who are finding life to be a little flat—but especially those of us with self-conscious and socially anxious tendencies who tend to reside down at the “controlled” end of the continuum—it is worth becoming mindful of our motivation and looking for ways to increase authentic, self-determined engagement with life. I specialize in helping people find ways to live more authentically; if you’d like to begin working on this, contact me today to set up on initial appointment.