Flourish Counseling Milwaukee

A Positive, Person-Centered Approach to Mental Health

  • About
    • Welcome!
    • Who We Are
      • Erin Olson, M.Ed., M.S., LPC
      • Matt George, M.S., LPC, NCC
    • FAQ
  • Services
    • Individual Therapy
    • Parent Consultations
  • Getting Started
    • How to Get Started
    • Helpful Forms
    • Payments and Insurance
    • Make a Payment
  • Resources
    • Positive Parenting
    • Authentic Living
    • Awe and Wonder
  • Blog
  • Contact Us
    • Schedule an Appointment
    • How to Get to Our Office
  • (414) 377-0504
You are here: Home / Archives for Matt's Blog

Sep 18 2018

Values Clarification: Common Mistakes and How to Correct Them

Photo of road under a clear sky

If you are working with a counselor who uses mindfulness & acceptance-based approaches like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), or doing your own self-help work along these lines, you will probably come across values clarification exercises at some point in the process. Values work can take a variety of forms, from thought experiments (e.g., “picture the eulogy you’d like to see written about your life after you’re gone”) to card sorts and journaling exercises, but in all cases it involves stepping back from your life and looking at it in “big-picture” sort of way in order to clarify what really matters to you.

Values are helpful because they provide a sense of direction in life. They provide you with meaningful reasons to push forward in the face of adversity and to do the things that are important (but not always easy) to do. When you lack clarity about what you value, actions can seem arbitrary and life can come to feel aimless.

Values clarification can be tricky and there are a number of paths that lead to dead ends. In this post I’m going to create some sign posts for these so you can spot them when they show up. I will also share some simple techniques you can use to get yourself back on track.

Mistake 1: Confusing Goals with Values

Examples: “My life is about becoming a published author” or “My life is about having a family”

Values and goals are not identical but they can be easily confused. A value can be thought of as a freely chosen way of living that you realize through the various goals you set for yourself. For example, if being creative is an important value to you, you might do things like “write a short story” or “take a course in graphic design” or “renovate my bedroom.” Each of these activities would be considered a goal in service of the overarching value of “creativity.” You could imagine this in terms of a hierarchy:

 

 

Notice something else important here: goals are discrete events that can be checked off a list when finished, whereas values are ongoing possibilities of action that are never exhausted. Because of this, a values-orientation provides tremendous flexibility. Take a value like “mindfulness,” for example. It is always available to you as a potential way of being because mindfulness is about the way in which something is done, whether that something is running a business meeting, or divvying up household tasks with your partner, or taking a neighborhood walk.

Why this is a problem

Operating exclusively at the level of goals can limit your flexibility and undermine resilience. For example, suppose you are focused on the goal of “running in the Boston Marathon” and you break your leg a month before the race. At the goal level, you are basically out of options at this point. But if you focus instead on the higher-level value of “challenging myself physically,” there are still a variety of ways that you can realize this value through alternative actions (for example, expressing it through how you tackle the rehabilitation process). Values allow for the regeneration of goals, enabling you to continue moving forward in a chosen life direction despite obstacles.

The solution

So what do you do if what you thought was a value is actually a goal? Try asking yourself some questions to draw out the implied value. Take “having a family” for example:

“What would ‘having a family’ enable me to do that I care about in life?”

“What is ‘having a family’ in service of?”

Generally speaking, you can move up the hierarchy from goals to values by asking “why” questions (e.g., “Why is [this goal] important to me?”) and down the hierarchy from values to goals by asking “how” questions (e.g., “How can I put [this value] into play?”). I tend to convert “why” to “what” questions (as I did above) to encourage a process of description rather than speculation.

Mistake 2: Picking Values based on “Shoulds”

Example: “Well I guess I should care about being ‘compassionate,’ right?”

We all get ideas from our family and the culture at large about how to act and what to care about. Growing up we tend to be positively reinforced for acting in ways that conform to these rules and punished, in more or less overt ways, when we don’t. Depending on the social environment we grow up in, we may learn that it’s good to be “polite” or “confident” or “funny” or “disciplined.” Over time, we can internalize these directives as a kind of punitive inner voice that criticizes us when we stray from them. A preponderance of “shoulds” in our speech is a tip off to the influence of introjected regulation in our lives.

Why this is a problem

“Avoiding disapproval” can become a primary project in life, and after doing this for many years it can become a default setting. We lose touch with what we want our lives to be about and this confusion tends to show up during values clarification work. The goal of values work is not to identify what your parents thought you should care about in life, or what you would care about if you were a “good person.” The goal is to discriminate what actually brings vitality to your life. The presence of liveliness is often a clue that a core value is being contacted and this quality tends to fade when we’re talking about the things we should do.

The solution

If you are living on the basis of “shoulds,” (e.g., I should exercise more, I should read more, I should be more compassionate, etc.) reinforcement for these actions is likely coming from the (real or imagined) social environment rather than from the activity itself. One way to bypass this is to do a thought experiment in which you imagine that you already have the approval you are seeking and then ask yourself: would I still care about doing this anyway? For example:

“Suppose your parents would approve of you no matter what field you went into. Would you still choose to go into medicine?”

“You indicated that “kindness” was a value. Suppose you could do something kind, but nobody would know that you were the one doing that kind thing. Would you still want to do it?”

Mistake 3: Confusing Avoiding with Valuing

Example: “I want my life to be stress-free.”

Values are about moving toward what’s important to you in life, not about escaping what you don’t want to experience. In fact, living a values-congruent life will draw you into personally challenging situations again and again. What values provide is a why in these situations; they transform the facing of adversity into something meaningful, which ends up making a huge difference. As Nietzsche put it: “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

Why this is a problem

When we avoid difficult situations, we often feel an initial sense of relief. Psychologists call this “negative reinforcement”; it’s that “phew!” feeling you get when some source of anxiety is temporarily removed. For some of us, this feeling of relief can become an end pursued for its own sake. This is a problem over the long haul because a life built on avoiding discomfort tends to become smaller and smaller over time. Imagine a life lived according to the rule: “if it makes me uncomfortable, I’m not going to do it.” What would have to be given up to pull this off? Are intimate relationships possible? Or the pursuit of career dreams? When we continue to lop off parts of our life in order to reduce anxiety, we end up with a truncated existence that leaves us feeling bored and aimless.

The solution

Values, on the other hand, are about increasing our engagement with the world. They make an anxiety-arousing situation about something more than just feeling anxious. Values are the creative contribution you are making to the world through how you choose to live, and they make the difficult things worth doing. They aren’t about what I want to get (like happiness, or peace of mind, or relaxation), they are about what I how I want to be.

A simple way to convert an avoidance goal to a value is to imagine you’ve already attained whatever state the avoidance goal promises and then ask yourself: what would I want to do then? Here’s an example of what this process might look like:

Client: “I want to live a more stress-free life.” [This is an avoidance goal because the focus is on moving away from something]

Counselor: “Suppose all the stress was somehow, miraculously, eliminated from your life. What would you want to do with your time then?”

Client: “I would go back to school.” [This is an approach goal. Now we’re moving toward something]

Counselor: “And what would ‘going back to school’ be in service of for you?”

Client: “It would enable me to get a promotion” [This is still a goal, but a longer-term one. To get to a value, we need to keep moving up the hierarchy]

Counselor: “And what would ‘getting a promotion’ be in service of for you?”

Client: “If I were in a higher-level position I could be more creative in my work.” [Now we’ve arrived at the value which endows the subordinate goals of “going back to school” and “getting a promotion” with meaning]

With these questions we’ve moved from an avoidance-based goal to an approach-based goal and finally on to a core value.

By asking yourself these simple questions you can keep yourself on course when clarifying values. As you sustain focus on your values, you may notice a strengthening of resolve and motivation due to the sense of purpose they offer. This purpose infuses each step you take on the path towards goal achievement, pulling, rather than pushing, you in the direction you want to go. If you’re doing this work on your own and feel like you could use some help clarifying your own values, contact me to set up an appointment today.

Written by Matt George · Categorized: Matt's Blog, Meaning · Tagged: avoidance, behavior change, counseling, goals, life purpose, meaning, motivation, values, values clarification

Jan 28 2018

How to Build Resilience

Resilience

What do you do when negative emotions show up? If you’re like many of us, your first impulse is to get rid of the bad feeling ASAP. Maybe you turn on the TV to distract yourself, or eat something for comfort. Some people try to change their mood directly by substituting positive thoughts, others use substances to mute the feeling. All of these methods can work in the short run, (which is why we keep using them), but how well do they work over the long haul?

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), there’s a name for this unwillingness to feel what you are feeling: “experiential avoidance.” Functionally, all the behaviors above are identical in that they are attempts to escape the discomfort of negative emotion. This would be a sensible strategy if it worked, but there is growing evidence to suggest that these maneuvers accomplish exactly the opposite. Rather than eliminate negative emotion they tend to amplify it.

In this blog post I am going to discuss a 3-step process for working with difficult emotions in a more effective way. Rather than trying to escape the emotion, this approach involves turning toward it with an attitude of curiosity and compassion.

1. Step Outside of Thought

The first step is to notice the thoughts swirling around you. The thoughts can be subtle and hard to detect. Sometimes they show up as images, other times as verbal statements in your head. See if you can catch these thoughts and put them into language.

You might start listing them off: “I am having the thought that _____.” Plug in whatever thought is hounding you. For example:

  • “I am having the thought that I am a failure”
  • “I am having the thought that things never work out for me”
  • “I am having the thought that others are looking down on me” etc…

I sometimes invite clients to write these thoughts down on notecards to get them out and in front of them in a visible form. A thought journal is another useful tool. Through the process of noticing and “externalizing” these thoughts, you are creating some separation between you and the thought. When we are tightly bound to a thought, we tend to take it for reality. In such moments we are seeing from the thought, rather than looking at it, and as a result, the thought permeates our experience of everything. When we recognize that we are caught in a thought, we can “snap out of the trance” and take a step back, observing the thinking process itself as it unfolds.

ACT therapists use the handy verbal technique above for distancing from thoughts (in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy this process of distancing is called defusion). Notice the difference between saying the following to yourself:

  • “I am a failure”
  • “I am having the thought ‘I am a failure’.”

Can you feel the difference between these two statements when you say them aloud?

Again, negative thoughts aren’t problematic per se – they can become a problem when we become entranced by them and take them for reality. So the first move is to step outside the thought in order to look at it and recognize it for what it is: one of the tens of thousands thoughts our mind generates on a daily basis.

2. Drop into the Body

The next step is to let go of the thoughts and bring your attention to the experience of the emotion unfolding in your body. Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron has written beautifully on how to do this. She talks about “dropping the story and finding the feeling.” The story is whatever your mind is telling you about the meaning of what just happened: “I will never succeed,” “I don’t deserve to be happy,” “This is how it always goes for me,” etc. As long as you remain hooked in this narrative, you aren’t directly experiencing the emotion itself. It may feel like there is a lot of emotion happening, but the replaying of the story is actually a way to avoid feeling the emotion. It appears that rumination and worry are actually attempts to escape the bodily discomfort of negative emotion. Escaping negative emotion seems like a sensible thing to do in the short run, but notice what your experience tells you about the effectiveness of this strategy over the long haul. There is an alternative move you can try: opening up to the emotion and leaning into it.

Emotion shows up in the body as sensations, feelings and urges. You can bring mindful awareness to your emotional experience by answering these three questions:

What am I feeling right now? See if you can find a word that really captures this particular feeling quality you are experiencing. People often find that scanning a list of feeling words is helpful. This process – of being curious about the specific feeling being experienced and trying to find just the right word to express it – is itself transformative. Notice if you can feel any shifting in the emotion as you do this, keeping in mind that the goal here is not to get rid of emotion but to come to know it as it really is.

What sensations am I experiencing in my body right now? Where are they located? What qualities do they have? For example, you may notice that you have an empty, sinking feeling in the center of your chest, or tight bunching of the neck and shoulders. Just stay with this sensation, registering its shape, texture, movement, etc.

What urges do I notice right now? Emotions come with bodily urges to do something. See if you can notice this urge as it arises…carefully observing the internal pull without having to physically act on it. You may notice an urge to run away, to say something spiteful, to throw an object against the wall. Allow yourself to be curious about the bodily feeling of the impulse, without having to physically perform it. You are strengthening new neural pathways in this moment; the old circuitry of reactivity is not being reinforced as you observe (rather than enact) the impulse.

Directing your attention in this way enables you to lean into the emotion and feel it, rather than wall it off. See if you can make space for the emotion and open up to it in a spirit of compassion and curiosity. You may notice that the emotion shifts and stirs within as it runs its natural course. You may also notice that this process does not feel as unbearable as it seemed like it would be when the emotion was being resisted.

For individuals dealing with more significant trauma, it is a good idea to do this work with a therapist who specializes in trauma-informed approaches. This enables you to be supported by a strong and caring therapeutic relationship as you engage in this process.

3. Connect with What’s Most Important to You

Now that you have stepped outside of your thoughts, and opened up to the emotion in the present moment, you are moving with, rather than against, your experience. In this moment of spaciousness and clarity you can freely choose the direction you will take your life through your very next action. It can be helpful in these moments to consider what is most important to you.

You might ask yourself:

  • What could I do right now to take a small step in the direction of being the kind of person I want to be?
  • What quality (e.g., kindness, creativity, compassion, assertiveness, etc.) do I want to embody in my next move?

You could also put it to yourself like this:

  • What is the overarching goal, the goal of goals in my life, that I can take a step toward in this moment? And what would that step look like?

This is where values clarification becomes helpful. Knowing what you want your life to be about provides much needed orientation in moments like this. For example, suppose you’ve been knocked back by feelings of fear or anger in your relationship. After the previous steps of disentangling from thoughts, dropping down into the body and really feeling the emotion as an energetic flow, you now ask yourself: what qualities do I want to embody in this relationship? What kind of relationship do I want to create through what I’m about to do? Suppose it’s important to you to be genuine and to create a relationship characterized by openness and authenticity. A step in that direction may be talking—openly and non-defensively—about what you are feeling with your partner. This is a deliberately chosen, values-based action, and it looks and feels very different from the kind of automatic, defensive behaviors we often engage in when hurt. It’s the kind of action that, step-by-step, over time, builds the kind of life we want to create. And this process begins by working skillfully and courageously with the upsetting thoughts and feelings that arise when life has us on our heels.

Written by Matt George · Categorized: Matt's Blog, Meaning, Uncategorized · Tagged: acceptance and commitment therapy, defusion, experiential avoidance, mindfulness, rumination, values, worry

Dec 20 2016

The Question That Can Change Your Life

The question is a simple one. It’s a question you can put to yourself at any moment, regardless of what you’re doing. The question is transformative because it immediately connects you to your core values. In the moment before doing something, whatever it may be, this question opens up a space between you and the doing; a moment of mindfulness.

You can do it right now, as you are engaged in the action of reading these words. Ask yourself:

“What is this action in service of?”

Why are you sitting in front of this screen reading this right now? What larger goal of yours is being met by doing so?

I work with a number of people who struggle with anxiety and this question can be especially helpful for people who are trying to take action in the face of fear. I’ll give you an example of what I mean.

Imagine that you are giving a public presentation. You are about to take the podium and can feel your heart throbbing in your chest. You look out at the crowd, notes crumpled in your sweaty fist, and you want to run.

“What is this action in service of?”

Giving this talk may be in service of teaching others, or of sharing ideas that are deeply important to you. It may be in service of meeting work requirements and continuing to provide for yourself and your family. Maybe you are taking on this challenge because you want to overcome a fear of public speaking and expand your comfort zone.

As you reflect on the value you are expressing through this action, you might ask a couple follow-up questions: “Is this the sort of value I want to build a life around?” “Do I endorse living this way?”

In other words, do you want your life to be about “expanding the knowledge base of others,” or “expressing your own thoughts,” or “providing for your family” or “fostering your own self-development?”

Now imagine that instead of stepping up to the microphone you turn around and begin heading for the exit. You can ask yourself the same question:

“What is this action be in service of?”

Maybe the answers are things like: reducing stress, avoiding discomfort, and “playing it safe.” Regardless of what shows up, the same follow-up questions can be helpful: Do I want to build a life around this overarching goal? Do I endorse living in this way?

We avoid things that scare us for a reason. We’re usually not thinking about why we’re doing it, but a purpose of some sort is always being served by our actions. The question is, what is the overarching goal, and do I want to build a life around it?

Takeaway: To keep yourself moving in the direction of a more fulfilling life ask yourself: “What value is this current action in service of?” And then: “Can I embrace this value as a life credo?” If not, you might ask yourself: “What do I want my life to be about instead?”

Written by Matt George · Categorized: Matt's Blog, Meaning

layouts
  • View FlourishMKE’s profile on Facebook
  • View FlourishMKE’s profile on Twitter

Copyright © 2021 · Altitude Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in